I can just see the South Parkers going in for a meeting with a suit. One of them distills a movie down to a hook that even a suit can understand: "Mormon becomes a porno star". The suit is so enraptured with the idea that the project is greenlit.

Now comes the hard part: they have to write a script.

And resulting "movie" augers in as the test pilots would say. Crater City. Bombsville. You'd think a movie that made fun of religion and sex couldn't help but be funny. Such is not the case. If it were possible for a movie to be more labored in its comedic intentions which lay there and die, I don't see how.

Orgazmo fails any way you can mention. The acting is over the top strident. Characters spout embarrassing lines. The cinematography is worse than a filmed real porno flick. The F/X are effectless.

And on top of everything else Orgazmo is rated NC-17. My question: why? There's no female nudity; only a plethora a men's asses. Any sex is badly implied. Meanwhile, if you make a flick with women being beaten, tortured, and brutally murdered as in your typical slasher flick, an R rating is A-OK. Brutal slashings=good while sex=bad. Huh? Someone on the motion picture ratings board explain that one to me.

And Orgazmo even "boasts" real porno stars in its cast. The breathtakingly beautiful Chasey Lain has a good-sized part. Ron Jeremy, the mustachioed rotundo, has one of the bigger parts. (Pun intended. His equipment must make the porno starlets that he's boinked feel like they're giving birth in reverse due to his size.)

If you want laughs out of a movie that's at least "real" from a porno standpoint, rent Comeback which is a Christy Canyon tape. You'll get actual sex and funny lines. As opposed to Orgazmo posessing neither.

Movie's suitability for:

• Action Jackson: 90%
• Joe Fratboy (date movie): 20%
• Cinephile (pretentious movie lover): 20%
• F/X freaks: 60%
• all around movie-goer: 70%